Life of Daniel

old age, hearing aids, super powers, and purple legs

I've been saying I need to do more journalling, both publicly and privately. So here's a start at doing more of that as I write about old age and hearing aids.

8-ish years ago I was diagnosed (by exclusion) with Meniere's Disease. If you've never been diagnosed by exclusion before, it goes something like this:

"I have no idea why your leg has turned purple, but I know a few people who have also had unexplained purple legs and, eventually, we also discovered they had cancer of the eyeball. So, I'm going to go with 'cancer of the eyeball'. Final answer. No punch backs."

At the time, the most concerning factor for me was the everything-halting, world-spinning, lie-down-in-a-dark-room-for-hours vertigo, nausea, and vomiting that happened with almost no warning, sometimes more than once a day. Driving sucked. Work sucked. And cooking meth in the wee hours of the night became incredible dangerous.

But, through diet, exercise, and lifestyle change (I'm now a Scientologist) over the last 8 years, I'm happy to say that particular symptom is completely gone. However, other aspects remain: there's a constant ringing in my ears and unforgiving ear pressure that, together, can make me very irritable and make it quite hard to concentrate when it's at its worse. My ENT has told me there is absolutely nothing he can do about these symptoms directly. Which isn't really what you want to hear from a doctor. So I'm convinced otherwise, even out of sheer what-the-hell-else-am-I-going-to-do. So I continue to search for answers. 

One final aspect, that I didn't realize affected me as much as it has, is that I have lost up to 60% of the hearing in my left ear. I've learned to adapt and, in most cases, it doesn't seem like a big deal. But lately, I've been noticing situations that are more frustrating than they need to be simply because I can't hear. When my daughter is upstairs trying to ask me something while I'm cooking pounds of bacon on the stove, for instance. Or if I'm cuddled on the couch with my girlfriend enjoying a bacon aromatherapy session and happen to have my good ear nuzzled into her breasts. Or trying to hear almost anything while in a crowd or while the TV is on. Thankfully, my ability to cook meth is unaffected.

I've also realized that it is harder for me to sing songs well that I hadn't learned before I had so much hearing loss. Or, I'm just using that as an excuse for singing terribly. Either way.

My ENT is suggested a hearing aid.

Screw you!

At first I just dismissed the idea. Because, well, screw you! But as I considered it more, I thought I could swallow enough pride to at least go talk to someone about it. 

I tried one on. Heard it work. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. It sounds realistic. Not tinny or artificial like I thought it would It looks okay, too. Not really all that noticeable unless you're looking for it. Even if you saw it you might just think I work for some clandestine organization or that I'm jacked into the new Internet, the one that's too cool for you to be on. And I'm not so vain most of the time to care, even if it looked awful. And, in the few cases where I am, I can always just leave it at home. Also, my doctor thinks that, over time, as my brain adjusts to it, it might help me more easily ignore the ringing and the fullness which may be aspects of my brain searching for an audio signal from my ear that just isn't there. 

I'm finding myself humming "The Future Soon" and I'm getting quite excited about my future cyborg self. Now I just need a space lab in safe.

The doctor had me block my "good" ear while the hearing aid was turned off and I found myself concentrating on the doctor's face, lip reading her, because I couldn't quite understand all the words she was speaking. I think she noticed this because she started finding reasons to turn her face away from me and then I was lost in a sea of mumbles and whispers. Once she turned it on, though, even with my good ear blocked, I heard everything perfectly fine. 

So, aside from my pride, my vainity, there is one more price to pay. And this one is paid in real American dollars. $1200 of them, actually. And that feels like a lot. It's not that I don't have the money. It's just that I would much rather take my family to the grand canyon in an RV for a week or two. Or get all new landscaping in the courtyard. Or buy tablets for the girls. $1200 can do a lot of things. And, it seems silly to use it on a "maybe". Yes, it will almost certainly help me hear better. But I'm coping with that part just fine. Maybe I'll be be able to sing better? Maybe I'll have fewer headaches? Maybe my episodes of stress and irritability will decrease? Maybe I'll be able to concentrate better? Maybe I'll grow a third arm and develop a super power like flying or being able to make things really moist?

So I've been thinking about it for almost a week now. And I still haven't decided. Part of me says that if I can increase the quality of my life even a little, $1200 is well worth it. Another part of me wants to take the money and go some place where hearing isn't important. And another part of me wants to drop $15,000 on it, instead, and just go for the satellite up-link. 

Commitments

I'm having buyer's remorse. I'm still on real estate mailing lists, so I see new options every day. And often I wonder if these other options wouldn't be better.

But big purchases like homes and cars should be looked at as a commitment -- more like a marriage. Prior to getting married, you should look around all you want. Explore every option. But when you finally make that commitment then, as the usual vow says, you're in it for better or for worse. Looking around and considering your options at that point is foolish.

The hard part about a house, though, is that it doesn't remind me of how much it loves me, how wonderful life will be together, or how much I love the way the sun beams into the windows perfectly at 7am. It just is. And instead of thinking about all the reasons I bought it in the first place, I think about all the other options and how much better they might be.

I need to see it as a commitment. To be cherished and not to brpe thought around. Having a partner around to be excited with me would probably help.

and it will be better, still

I remember in high school, just before school let out for summer,
everyone would be busy trying to find as many friends as they could to
get their yearbook signed. Our friends would write about fond memories
from the year and often ended their words with some thing catchy. "You
+ Me = BFF Forever" or "2 Cute, 2 Be, 4 Gotten". But, right now, I'm
reminded of how often people wrote "Don't Change". The sentiment was
sweet. I like you just the way you are so, over the summer, while
you're away from most of the people you spend every single day with,
don't change anything about yourself.

But the truth is, almost everyone changes. Good people get better and
often bad people just get worse. But we change. If we just stayed the
same, the world would change around us and we'd be left wishing
everyone had just stayed the same.

This weekend was all about change.

I became a landlord. My first tenant moves in this afternoon. I've
been considering this idea for a long, long time. Everyone I know that
has never been a landlord or has only dabbled in it has cautioned me
to not even consider it. Others that are well into it actually find it
to be fairly lucrative. I'm not in it for the money -- I'm just doing
it to keep from going under. But it's both the right thing to do and
very scary at all the same time.

I ended a friendship that was causing me a great deal of heartache. I
was reluctant to take any steps toward doing so. I'd been considering
it for so very long. But, I'm a "benefit of the doubt" kind of guy.
And I've always refused to take action until action was taken against
me. But when I stepped back and looked at how much of me this
relationship was draining, I realized it was time.

I moved. I'm 30 minutes closer to almost everything. I have grocery
stores, and restaurants, and shopping close enough now that I can
actually operate without planning out my entire day in advance,
because I don't have to leave home and plan on not coming back until
the day is over. However, my old house was perfect. All the walls were
clean of anything but my own designs and mistakes. The floor worn down
by only my feet, and the feet of those I care about. When things
broke, I fixed it. So everything was always fixed. Now, I'm walking
into a home in need of some repair. Fences are going. Floors are
dirty. Walls are dingy. Landscaping is overgrown. Blinds are broken.
I've got some work to do and I can't even start until I get unpacked.
But, it's a good change, a good move, and great place to call home.

I took the first steps (again) to end the job I've had for 13+ years.
I'm sad to lose the familiar faces, and places, and processes, but
this is a step I need to take to make my life better and my daughter's
life better.

I had so many conversations that are sparking even more changes, big
and small. And they all have me excited about where I'm at, and
looking straight into the future this path has me set on.

All in all, I'm busy, and tired, and sore, and doing wonderfully.

Catching Breath

It seems like all of the little life streams that surround me are suddenly overflowing -- suddenly matured into real, raging rivers. One at a time, each river would be a joy. I'd splash and play and swim and jump in, arms flailing, from the highest rocks. But all of these rivers are converging and it's all I can do to keep my head above water.

A lot of times these life updates (which are more for me than you, though I'm glad you read them and help keep me sane with your words of comfort, offers of help, and reminders of happiness) are filled with positive bits. This one starts off on the down side, but worry not. It gets better. It always gets better. 

"If you want a happy ending, that depends, of course, on where you stop your story." --Orson Welles

I'm juggling 2 jobs right now. Really, more, but two that really matter. Both of them are in turmoil. Not that I'm in a lot of jeopardy, but each job has some issues that they are dealing with that inevitably fall back on me. On top of that I'm trying to move. Which means buying a house. Which means selling or renting a house. Which means cleaning out a house. And that buying a house bit also means scraping together lots of money, keeping up with deadlines, and paying for an endless stream of random things. On top of that, there's the surgery I had. Everything's fine. I've recovered well, but there are still bit that have to be cared for. Medication, doctor's visits, bills, etc.

September is full. My parents are moving into a new house in the next few weeks. And I'm frantically cleaning out my house, throwing away stuff that has sat in boxes since before my ex and I first moved into this house, a life time and at least four versions of me ago. And the baby mama has some stuff of her own going on that causes some shuffling. I had wanted to take Celeste camping in upstate New York and spend some time with my mom. But, with the money crunch and the time crunch, that's not going to happen. I haven't even told her yet, because I know she'll be let down and that's so hard to handle. (Help: Let me know if you like organizing and throwing stuff away, or you like to chase kiddos around while I organize and throw stuff away.)

October is full, too. A meeting in California. Which means travel. And kiddo shuffling. And two conferences to attend. Which means more travel and more kiddo shuffling. If all goes well I'll be closing on the new house. And moving. And there's Halloween. I wanted to go to Myschievia this year, but there's just too much going on to make it happen. (Help: If you have some time to offer, packing, unpacking, lifting things, or even just keeping me company as I do these things, it's greatly appreciated.)

On top of all that, I'm tired, which isn't really something I'm used to experiencing. Staying indoors more often than usual due to the heat and the resulting cabin fever have played a role in this. Not being able to work out for several weeks as I recovered from surgery didn't help that either. And who knows what effects the medications are having. Then last Sunday I landed on my leg wrong while on a water slide with kiddo, making running impossible for a few days. Thankfully, that last part is almost back to normal. Normal enough that I'm going to try an hour's workout today. I'd like to get up to four times a week. It'd be good for me all around. I don't feel like I can be the father or the friend I should be when I feel like this. (Help: I could use a workout buddy. Someone to encourage and get me back on track.)

It's not all bad though. Not even close. My daughter is amazing. The light of my every day. Her smile and her warmth regularly remind me of the point of this whole "life" thing: to live. My jobs cover all of my bills and leave me with enough left over to have a little fun now and then. I have a beautiful, happy home. And, if we end up moving, we'll have an even better suited home closer to people we care about. I have great friends, and a loving family, and am so blessed to have met a few new people recently that I feel strong connection to and look forward to the friendship that will develop from that.

So, it's time for a tattoo. Because, you know, I'm already stressed enough about money and time that I should take out some more money and more time and put it toward something that could easily wait simply because it feels like it shouldn't. I've decided that I want "Dum vivimus, vivamus" (while we live, let us live) written on me. But, the words alone are not enough. So, I'm still scratching for ideas of an image to go with it. A strong symbol of what it means to live: adventure, family, love, and friends. (Help: IDEAS! Please!)

All told, my life is amazing and I'm living it to the fullest. Even if it is crazy right now.

Rushing to buy: a pros and cons list

There are so many negative factors to my situation surrounding buying
this house that I'm starting to question whether it's worth it. There
is one factor here that I'm not willing to disclose publicly. Not
because I'd be hurt in any way if "you" knew, but it would put me in a
very bad situation if I showed my hand to a select set of people. So,
keep in mind, there are a few other factors driving these time lines.

So here are all the negatives.

I need to close on this house no later than 9/26. Considering that
closing on a house takes 37 days, at a minimum, that means I need an
accepted offer by Monday.

I have to travel from 9/27 through 9/29. (in addition, my daughter's
mom has to travel during this same time frame which means this will be
the first time my daughter ever stays over night with someone other
than her mom or I)

Because I'm renting the house that I'm in I need to gear that rental
period to start the first week of a month. So, I either have to rent
it on 10/3 giving me one weekend to move. Or I have to rent it the
first week of November and pay two mortgaged for a month.

The sellers are on the verge of a short sale. So, they are unable to
pay any closing costs unless I offer them more than they are asking
and have the costs rolled into the loan in that way. I have enough
cash reserves to cover closing and down payment and such, but not to
do all of that and put the few things into the house that I want to
do. I have to buy a refrigerator and such. I'd like to put down
laminate flooring. There are two windows that need to be repaired. And
that's just the basic stuff.

Based on what the leasing realtor was able to determine, I'm going to
lose $75/mo on the rental of my house. That's not a huge deal (and I
still own the house, so it's not lost forever) but it's less that
ideal.

But these are the reasons I'm pushing forward.

I really want to move. I love my neighborhood. I love my house. But I
don't like that I'm surrounded by renters. And I don't like that I
have to spend 15 minutes driving no matter where I'm going

If I don't buy a house before 9/26, then it won't be until 2013 when
I'm in a situation where I could consider it again (due to the
unmentioned parts of my situation).

This is a fantastic price and a nearly perfect house in a wonderful
neighborhood with great schools in the part of town that I want to
live in. I couldn't ask for a better setup.

So send me your good thoughts. These next few weeks are going to be
rough as I try to make all of this happen.

a missing hour

Surgery last Friday was pretty uneventful, which is the best that I could have hoped for. I got there early like they asked. I sat for an hour before they let me into a room. I had to take off all my clothes and put on special socks and a hospital gown. I left my underwear on because it seemed the right thing to do. It wasn't. They had to intubate me in order to keep me under and work in my nose at the same time. I would have to come out of anesthesia with the tube still in my throat. The idea of that scared me a lot. But they assured me I probably wouldn't even remember it. I don't. Everyone was kind, and patient, and awesome. 

From the timeline I've been given there is about 1 hour of my life for which I was awake and conscious that I don't remember at all. That's actually really scary to me: the idea that I was awake and doing things that I cannot account for. Whatever it was that I did, the nurse in charge of watching me regain consciousness commented many, many times to the various people she was discussing my status with that I was a very, very nice man. So, I'm guessing I must have hit on her a lot.

Now, four days after the fact, I feel pretty good. It's way too soon to say anything but, I feel like I can breathe better. I also haven't taken ANY pain killers, not even for headaches. Since I usually take 4 advil every 4 hours almost every day, that's a pretty nice improvement. My face is a bit sore. And I'm not supposed to bend over or lift more than 10 lbs, which is impossible when you live alone, especially when you live alone with a child. But I'm taking it as easy as I can.

I have my Post-Op appointment early Thursday morning. If all goes well, I'll switch to drugs and regular checkups and hopefully live a life in which I feel much better and die far, far later. 

if every party went this well...

Party!

For a party that got thrown together in, basically, 24 hours, we had an awesome time. I'm not sure I could have done any better with a month's notice, some planning, and an actual invite effort. Surprisingly, despite the tornado of children, my house isn't all that messy on this side of things. My dad and mom came, which meant Celeste was VERY happy and I got some help in the kitchen. Avocado Burger with Pepper Jack cheese: yes please. 

At around 7:30pm, we dropped everything and made an impromptu run to a waterpark and didn't get home until after 11pm. More success.

Those are the best days for me: days filled with people and smiles and children and last minute adventures just because. And it's only made a slightly bittersweet because Celeste loves to play with other adults and kids that I don't get to spend as much time with her. 

There was one casualty. I have (... had *sniffle*) a waterproof digital camera and video recorder: a nice little device that fit in the pocket of my swimming trunks and took decent photos and even better video. The thing about these devices is that they are only waterproof if the SD Card and battery doors remain locked shut. Some how, in the (not so) lazy river at the waterpark, the SD Card door popped open. The next time I went to take a photo there was water behind the screen. Yeah, not good. I opened the other door and water just poured out. I took out the battery and now I'm just letting it dry. It'd be great if it still worked, but I'm not very hopeful. If it's dead, I'll probably buy something cheap like this. It's not like low-light and quality are issues here.

Despite multiple attempts by several children yesterday to kill our fish, they are still alive and well. After finally speaking to some people who really know what they are talking about, we're well on our way to getting our tank in a good place to accept more fish. And I can tell by their behavior that the ones we have are enjoying life a bit more now. Which is good because Celeste adores those fish. 

Cleaning and Decorating and Furnishings, OH MY!

Celeste and I were browsing at World Market the other day. Really, I was just looking at some of the displays they have looking for inspiration and Celeste was browsing the knicknacks. She ended up with a beautiful red paper parasol. I ran into a sale and ended up furnishing my entire sunroom for less than $600. Not really money I'd planned on spending right now, but, it was exactly what I wanted at a price I wasn't going to find again soon.

So today Celeste and I will spend some time building furniture. She's the best helper ever. Well, you know, except that she can't lift anything or really hold anything. But, she loves sorting screws, handing me parts with letters on them, and telling me that I did a good job. So I'll take it. Then, someday soon, we'll find a nice rug for in there and a few shelves to hold plants and I'll probably have a new favorite spot to read a book and have morning tea or coffee.

The houses in my neighborhood are packed pretty tightly together. So much so that looking out a window doesn't really lead to a nice view. I'm thinking about temporarily frosting the windows so I can leave the curtains drawn, bring in a lot of light, and still not have to see what's outside of them. Maybe next year I'll install a lattice work wall and get some ivy climbing it for some separation. I'll have to build it 10' tall or so, though. So I'm not sure how nice that'll look or if the HOA will even allow it. I'll worry about it next year. This year, I'm just going to frost the the glass.

The "oh my God Daniel why do you have so much crap?!" cleaning festival is in full swing. I've been throwing away and giving away stuff like mad. I emptied a book shelf and filled and entire box of books that I'll never read, would never recommend, and can't think of anyone that would want. I took it to Half Price Books and got FOUR WHOLE DOLLARS for it. But, I'd have almost have paid them just to take them. Two or three more loads like that and my books will be cleaned. I'm doing basically that to every cluttered space in my house: crammed closets, over-used storage shelves, filing cabinets, junk drawers. 

Photos!

Another random collection of photos I've taken and enjoyed.

Celeste and I ready for a night out!

Flags at the beach house in the setting sun.

My beautiful girl!

Celeste and some friends at the Beach House.

Celeste covered in "colored bubbles" (which you should never ever buy).

fast forward to right now...

I laid down with Celeste around 10:30pm. We read a story. Then we talked about what the story meant and about our day. Then we both passed out. I have no idea why I'm up at 3am or why I can't get back to sleep. Usually, in this situation, I'd find a snack, turn on the TV, and just relax a bit. But, in response to a waist line that just wont quit (but, thankfully, at least isn't growing), I've opted to write intead. It's your lucky day.

Plums!

I love plums. Especially when they look like this.

And that's one of the best part about summer. Late, lazy evenings, the sun sinking slowly but undetermined, and ooodles of fruit dripping off the chins and elbows of children.

On the Road to Superman...

Last Tuesday I had another CT Scan, met with the Doctor performing the surgery again, and talked with the O.R. staff about what will happen the day of surgery. I feel even better about it. The doctor told me last time that less than 1 in 1000 people suffer blindness or brain fluid leak. I assumed brain fluid leak meant death. That is apparently not the case. This time, he told me that he's done over 2000 of these surgerys, never made anyone blind, and only had a brain fluid leak once, which was immediately fixed and the patient suffered almost no additional issues or recovery time because of it.

The whole thing will start Friday (8/5) morning at 6:30. My parents will be waiting there for me. I also found out that I'll probably have to spend the night in the hospital. Yuck. I'll bring a laptop and a couple of good books. Hopefully I'll sleep a lot, because I don't do well having to sit around and do nothing all day. Whenever they release me, I'll need to be under supervision for 24 hours after that. So I'll be staying at my moms and hopefully finding some slightly active things to do. So, unless there are complications, I should be home and in my own bed Sunday night.

Help: Just in case there are complications of some sort, anyone near me want to volunteer to feed my cats and fish once or twice? They'll be fine for the planned 3 days (assuming I can find a vacation feeder for the fish). But anything more than that and they'll need someone to check on them.

Finally, I also found out that my insurance is only covering 80% of this until my deductible is met. So, it looks like I'm out $3,000. Which punctures a bunch of other plans.

Vacation Planning...

Speaking of more exciting things I could be spending my money on, the original plan for vacation this year was for Celeste and I to head to upstate New York some time in September and camp for a week or so. Thankfully, that's a fairly inexpensive way to go as it is, so it might still happen. The weather should be beautiful. We'll be right on the lake. Celeste loves camping. We'll be 10 minutes from my family. And, as much as we love staying with my Grandmother, this'll give us a little more space to just be us and do the things we like. If you're in the area let me know so we can plan to see you and, even better, maybe you can plan to do a little camping with us.

Observations Made While Dating at 30...

There are two routes people seem to take when it comes to dating. One is to start "dating" at 15 or so. Find "the one" a few times by our 21st birthday. Get good and married by 25. That's what I did. That's what most people I know did. And, when we do it like that, "dating" is easy. There's college, and friends, and friends of friends. Jobs come and go. Life styles and beliefs and quirks are not fully set in stone. Everything is liquid.

If our first go round just didn't work out, or if we somehow managed to not get hitched and find ourselves at 30 and single, then we've taken the second route. It's rough. By the time we turn 30 though, our personalities and our quirks are more set in stone. Throw in any circumstances that might keep us from being on the prowl 24/7 (single parent, financial issues, bad location, lack of employability, medical conditions, etc), and it gets even more complicated.

I've been taking some time to myself to reflect on all of this. Since my marriage ended 2.5 years ago, I've been on lots of dates. And of those, I've only had a "relationship" with about five people. Prior to being married, and including my ex-wife, I generally remained friends with my exes. Really, it was the only thing that made sense to me. But of those five, there's only one that I have a solid friendship with. And only one that I'd really like to have a friendship with if we could figure out how to make that happen. There are two that I'd be happy to have a conversation with if we ended up in the same place and maybe it would go further than that, but probably not. And there is one that I might actually throw up if I saw. Or call CPS. Or the Police. Maybe all three.

People are like little minefields. Our experiences have us wired up a certain way. We trip over any of those wires, even innocently or accidentally, and we're blown to bits. Maybe her ex popped his gum like you do. Maybe his ex wore the same glasses you do.

Then we have all of these things balanced along the edges. Things easily run into and broken. A stack of fine glassware on a rickety table. Maybe she has body issues and she hates the lights on but she also has strong pride and refuses to ask you to turn them off. Maybe he is so used to being taken advantage of that if you don't offer a lot and right away then he just thinks you're not worth his time.

I try. I try so hard to clear my mines (or at least point them out in advance) and to not care about all that glass. I try to keep my mind free and my worries at bay. I try to start every new relationship with a fresh slate. And I'm really good at compartmentalizing in that way. And, even then, I still fail from time to time.

All of that being said, I've got some awesome friends with some fantastic advice. I'm learning to play "the game", which I hate, but I realize is required in order navigate this mess. I'm learning to take care of myself first. And, most importantly, I'm learning how to let things go.

Relocation efforts...

At this point, I'm convinced that location is everything. Anytime I go somewhere, I think about how much shorter the trip would have been if I lived somewhere else. As much as I love my house and my neighborhood, I'm leaning more and more toward just getting out of here, no matter what that takes, even if that means one more temporary step between now and something more permanent. 

But I'm going through the trouble of making my place nice anyway. Most of my decorating efforts will transfer over, so I won't lose a lot there. And the cleaning efforts just make packing and moving that much easier. And the improvements I make on my house will make it easier to show and rent. And, until I do leave, it's a lot nicer to live here.

So that's going well. I moved Celeste's room upstairs. She loves it! We're doing some decorating in there today and she's very excited. It's next to my office which helps me spend time with her during work days when I want to. It keeps the downstairs cleaner and gives me less space to have to pick up daily. Plus, it opened up some space downstairs to make a nice little sitting area and buy a few more storage items to help control the stuff we want to keep but never really have a place for.

Meanwhile, I've got my brother-in-law scouring The Colony, South Western Frisco, North Western Plano (yeah right), Northern Carrollton, and South Eastern Lewisville for houses that meet my needs and price range. Assuming I can actually get qualified for a loan and find a renter for my place, this might really happen.

Or, you know, on the other side of the coin, there are at least 15 houses for sale in my neighborhood within a 5 minute walk of me. It's a great neighborhood, we're just suffering some growing pains (due to the mortgage crisis. these are just more ripples of that.). But the good news is that you can get these, basically new houses, for way less than I paid (and even less than what I owe). And the more people that are close to me, the less driving I need to do. Which means that staying here becomes a much better option. So if you're in a house and you're looking for something else, or you're in an apartment and want more space and/or privacy, you should consider buying/renting here. 

Party Crazy...

I realize that I simply don't entertain people often enough. So I put an end to that by making a real attempt at throwing two "parties" a month: one with kids, and one without. Last week's adult party went off well. Good people. Fun games. Waaaay too much to drink. I'll probably do one or two more game centered parties before trying out something else just because it was so much fun. 

It looks like the kid party sort of threw itself together and is happening in less than 12 hours, which is awesome. 

Next Party: I'm looking at the weekend of 8/19 as the next adult party. And the weekend of 8/26 with children. So mark your calendars, drop me a line, and let me know if you have any ideas that we MUST incorporate this time. 

Photos...

I take a ton. Most of them, these days, are of a more personal nature. And I guess I've always felt that they didn't deserve my time and didn't need to be shared. But I was wrong about that. So here are some photos I've taken recently that I love. I hope you do too.

Catching Up

Life gets hectic. It's good to reflect.

A reason for everything...

As a child, Father's Day was basically an excuse to make cards, have a meal that I probably liked more than usual, and spend some time together as a family. All told, not a huge departure from something we did anyway once a week or so. I never once considered what my Dad might have felt on Father's Day.

On the surface, this Father's Day looked much like every Father's Day I'd seen as a child. We rarely, if ever, had uncles and aunts around for Father's Day, so that was a welcome difference. But each of my siblings now has at least one child and we were all there except for my oldest brother who lives in Alabama. We also never had friends around on such occassions. But, as I count my blessings, my best and dearest friend spent the day with us, which meant more to me than I can express. There were cards and family time but, all together, just like when I was younger, it was something our family does once a month anyway.

But beyond all of that I found myself flashing through all of my successes and failures as a father. I had a pretty bad headache and, in general, wasn't feeling all that great. In those cases, my patience is generally a lot thinner than it is otherwise, so I had some immediate experiences to draw upon in the failures department. However, I also was reminded of all the things that I manage to get right. I love the way my daughter and I work together. I love the kindnesses she shares regularly. I love how eager she is to help, even if, from time to time, "helping" means stepping aside and just letting something get done. I love the way she expresses herself in drawing and music and dance. My daughter is brilliant and happy. Yes, from time to time I upset her and fail to explain myself in a way that she can understand and that makes her sad. But, I've taught her well enough and earned enough of her trust that she's willing to express that sadness to me so that, even if we can't understand eachother, we can understand how it makes us feel and move on to a better place. I got "Happy Father's Day" wishes and genuine compliments from other family, close friends, and even an ex-girlfriend or two, which made me smile.

In the end, I found myself happy with where I'm at but, as always with me, working toward being even better. I realize that I need to find more patience, less stress, more peace, and a far greater acceptance of myself. The greatest thing any father can do for their children is to live his own life well. We humans, especially as children, learn through observation. The better I can juggle adventure and obligation, pride and humility, self-esteem and self-improvement, giving and taking, the better my daughter will be at doing the same which will lead to a more fulfilling life.

I also found myself missing the company of other parents, especially those that I admire and respect and can learn from. It makes me wish so deeply that, as a culture, we didn't live our lives locked into our little boxes. I wish that privacy, and isolation, and "staying at home alone" was the exception and not the rule. And it makes me eager, once more, to reach out to families that I love and cherish and try to get people together more often as well as to meet new people that live close and are similarly minded.

I had a wonderful day, as I do most days, and I am ever grateful for the many blessings that fill my life. Especially my daughter who brings sunshine to even the gloomiest days, and my close friends and family who provide a strong example and unending support. You are all so beautiful.